


What I Don't Have

by bronwe_calen



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Family Feels, Gen, Hobbit Hugs, lonely!Bilbo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-26
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-03-15 07:27:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3438704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bronwe_calen/pseuds/bronwe_calen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I was just watching and I realized how much I am miss my family and how envious I am of all of you.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Don't Have

Bilbo could be considered a very respectable Hobbit, but that did not mean he was an accepted one. It was true that he was never late to engagement, had six meals everyday, accepted any guests to tea, expected or not, and always had a gift for every hobbit who made their way to his birthday party. He never did anything unexpected, at least not since his fauntling years. Oh yes, he had gone on a number of adventures when he was younger, but that was before he had lost both his mother and his father and become the Master of BagEnd. 

It had been hard, those first years on his own. Most hobbits had an abundance of family to surround them during hard times like these, but that was not something Bilbo had. There were some cousins his age on his Mother’s side of the family, but most lived in Took Borough and ironically enough, they weren’t really the traveling sort. He had barely gotten over the trauma that was his Father’s death, when his mother passed due to illness. Belladonna and Bungo were his rock and safe place and he had been grief stricken after losing his mother. He barely interacted with his neighbors or any of the other hobbits of Hobbiton.

By the time he had worked through his sorrow and felt up to being around others, had been labelled a loner and left to himself. There was only one hobbit he had any real interaction with at that point and that was a distant cousin named Drogo Baggins. However, Drogo was much younger and Bilbo had his duties as Master of BagEnd. He tried to have tea with his cousin at least once a week, but that lessened over time, especially when his friend started seriously courting his intended. It hurt to see him start the process of building a family, because he knew somewhere deep inside, that was not a life he was destined for, but he could not fault Drogo for finding joy. 

Bilbo spent most of his days alone, going through the motions of living, but not really engaging with life around him. At least until that fateful day, when Gandalf came and somehow he found himself traveling with 13 dwarves to reclaim their home, Erebor. 

The hobbit shook himself from his thoughts and pulled his eyes away from the fire to cast them over his traveling companions. They were sitting in small groups around the fire talking amongst themselves. A small, sad smile played across his face as he realized they had instinctively or inadvertently broken up in family groups. It made him long for days far past, when he could enjoy a quiet evening with his parents or even the tea time visit he was made to sit through when Bungo would entertain different guests. 

He did not notice the tears trickle down his cheek as he watched each group in turn. The first to draw his attention were Dori, Nori and Ori. The eldest was fussing over the youngest, fixing his braids, as the middle watched on in amusement. Out of all of the family groups, the Ri brothers had the most interesting dynamics. Dori and Nori did not get along most of the time, there was some sort of history there, he had not learned yet, as the dwarves were very protective of their pasts. However, it was easy to see that they were equally protective of their younger brother. He knew that Ori was older than Fili and Kili, but he was more introverted than the two brash Durins and so it was easy for Bilbo to tell that the journey was hard on the young scribe. 

The next sibling group that drew his attention was Oin and Gloin. They had an easy camaraderie that spoke of a strong relationship. Gloin was helping Oin repack his healer's supplies they still had as they whispered quietly to each other. Somehow the two always made Bilbo smile when he saw them together. 

Then he turned his attention to Bombur and Bofur and their cousin Bifur. He had fallen into an easy friendship with all three of the dwarves. Bofur had such a bright personality that is was hard to resist him. He had shared many conversation while cook with Bombur, the two learning from each other. He liked Bifur, even though they had never had a real conversation with each other, there was just something about the injured dwarf that Bilbo couldn’t help but see a kinship too. The three also had a strong bond and it was a while before the hobbit had learned that Bifur was a cousin, because the three acts so much like brothers. There was also something there that spoke of a shared hardship, that had pulled the three closer and made them stronger. 

The oddest sibling pair of the group had to be Balin and Dwalin. They were almost polar opposites. Balin, had bright white hair, was short and stoutly built, and more of a peacekeeper, evidently trained in the ways of diplomacy. He was always the first to get involved when a disagreement broke out within the company, helping to smooth things over. Dwalin, on the other hand, was dark haired, where he had hair at least, tall and toned, a warrior, strong and fierce in battle. For all of their differences, they were also very much the same, both advisors to Thorin, and no one could fault their loyalty to the king. As brothers, they were close, but not as some of the others were and it spoke of a life spent part more so than together. 

The last family group was Thorin, Fili and Kili. Another smile made its way across Bilbo’s face, as he watched the king with his two nephews. Right now, the three were cleaning their weapons together, Thorin smiling slightly as the two boys joked. Fili and Kili shared a bond, Bilbo had previously only seen in a pair of twins. They were so in sync with each other, it was scary at times. Out of all of the family units here, Bilbo worried about Fili and Kili the most. They were so much younger than the rest and he was not sure Kili had even reached his majority. 

“Why are you crying, Mr. Bilbo?” 

Bilbo turned to the voice as a gloved hand reached out and touched his cheek, before pulling away. Something akin to embarrassment burned through him at being caught and for allowing Ori to sneak up on him. The matter was made worse then he felt twelve pairs of eyes look toward him. 

“It’s a mix of things, Ori.” He wiped a hand over his cheek trying to get rid of the evidence It was all he could offer without sharing his history and his thoughts, something things he was sure none of the dwarrow would like. 

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Ori voice was so concerned. 

Bilbo shook his head. “The past can’t be changed no matter how much we desire it.”

“Do you really regret coming with us that much?” Kili was the one to talk, proving that the rest of the company really was listening in to the conversation. “Do you want to go back home, Mr. Bilbo?”

“Oh, no, Kili, never think that.” The hobbit looked to the youngest dwarf. “I do miss my home at time, but that is not something that would ever bring tears.” He hesitated. He could end the conversation here, but he was growing close to the company and he wanted to share with them. “I was just watching all of you and I realized how much I am miss my family and how envious I am of all of you.” He saw several mouth open, but held up a hand to cut off any protest. 

“I know there is much I have that all of you don’t. A home to go to in a place of relative peace and plenty, but I would give that up in a heart beat to have what you all have… family. I am an only child, which is uncommon for hobbits. My father was the oldest of five children and my mother was the oldest daughter of twelve children.” He could hear the gasps from the dwarves and guessed they never had families so big. “I have cousins my age on the Took side of the family, my mother’s side, but for Tooks they don’t really travel much, so I never saw them that often. There are thirteen years between myself and my closest Baggins cousin, which is a fairly big age difference for hobbits. 

“Needless to say, I spent most of my time with my parents, Bungo and Belladonna. I was twenty-one when Fell Winter came. I don’t know what if was like for all of you, but it was horrible for the hobbits. The summer was good, but not plentiful enough for the winter that followed. The snows started falling two weeks earlier than normal and the temperatures were colder than average. Midway through the winter, the Brandywine River froze over and we lost our last protection, as the rangers had already been pulled away. The frozen river allowed the wolves to walk into the Shire. They started by attacking our livestock, and then by any hobbits found outside. Between the cold, hunger and the wolves nearly one hundred hobbits perished in the space of space of five months. My father was one of them, he was cut down by wolves and I was the one who found his body. After that, it was just my mother and I.”

His voice faded off and he started into the fire, caught in memories. To this day, the day he found his Father was etched into his mind. There were times when he could still feel the biting cold of the wind and hear it as it whistled in his ears. He could smell the tang of blood on the air as he got closer to the wood pile. He could feel the tears on his cheek and taste salt on his tongue, as he broke down over his Father’s body. 

“It took a while, years, for me not to wake up with nightmares of all I saw that winter or to stop feeling blood coat my arms as I carried Father’s body back to the house. My mother helped me the most through those times. We had a few good years, before she became sick; ash sickness it was called. It’s where your sense taste fails, everything is said to taste like ash. It was horrible to watch and it took years. She finally passed about a year before I reached my majority. There was no one there to help me when she was gone. Even with all the time I had to prepare myself, the night she breathed her last was devastating.

“I had neighbors come around the first two weeks to check in on me, but that stopped after a while. Most could not really understand the depth of my mourning. How it was more than simple grief, because the nightmares had returned and were worse because there was no one to chase them away or that they now featured both of my parents. By the time I finally pulled myself together enough to be around other hobbits, I had been branded a loner, someone who others did not want to be around. So, I retreated deeper into myself and took on the mantle of the Lonely Master of BagEnd.” Bilbo laughed startling the dwarves who were listening. “You lot were the first dinner guests that I had in my smial in about four months. What horribly impolite guests you were too.” He chuckled again. 

“I still don’t understand,” Kili said. At some pointed he had gotten up to sit besides Bilbo. “You’ve known for a while, that we have family. Why was it tonight the first night that it bothered you?”

“Something had already triggered the trip down memory lane, so I wasn’t in a good state of mind to begin with, hence the sitting alone.” He waved his hand at the place he had picked out for himself. It was contained within the camp, but not all that near the other. “Then I looked up and saw how you had all split up into your family groups. It just hurt to see forms of companionship I have never and will never experience, because I’ve buried my family.”

He was quickly caught up into a hug by Kili and Ori. 

“We’ll be your family, Mr. Bilbo.” It was Ori who spoke first. 

“You don’t have to be lonely any more.” Kill whispered the words into his hair, from where his face was buried. 

It took a minute for him to get his arms free, but he wrapped one around each dwarf and patted them on the back. “Thank you, boys. I think I would like that.” He hid the wince as he was cuddle tighter between the two.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was an idea that came to me the other day. I had to write it out because it was distracting me from a longer story I am working on. I told it to wait it's turn to be written, but it was quite insistent. It actually almost double in length as I wrote it, sneaky thing. 
> 
> Anywhos, I hope that you enjoyed it. 
> 
> Unbetaed, if you see errors, please let me know.
> 
> 3/10/2015 - Oh, my word, there were errors all over the place. I do hope I have now caught them all.


End file.
